In Memoriam

it has been 31 days since my uncle died. i am still thinking of him every now and then. as much as possible i dont want to visit their house. the house that i usually visit first day in the morning (kahit hindi pa nakapag-ayos ng hair at kahit di pa nkakapag-toothbrush) and do my rounds at the end of the day or asap after work.

he died of gastric cancer- underwent a major surgery to remove the tumor and connect esophagus to duodenum. he was on chemotherapy, radiation. he has been in and out of the hospital. he went through these things then he requested to stop everything. he started to eat again. my dad usually cooks food with everything that he requested especially foods with broth or anything with vegetables. but this september we noticed that he is not eating anymore again. he starts to vomit everything that he eats. and i noticed that the container beside him is full of puke-- he is trying to cover it so that i wont notice but i did. one day, her daughter asked me if i know how to insert an IV line. at first i hesitated because his veins are already wasted from the chemo... my uncle gave me that stare as if he is telling me that he trust me and that i should do it.

i tried that very night... but i hurt his arm. his veins are so fragile, but after the series of trying i cant believe that i am successful. then after that i started to change iv line on regular manner.. medicines for supportive therapy were started.. i checked the line everyday almost twice a day and spend time at their house longer. as day goes by i have seen his condition getting worst. at first, i do only give anti-emetics and anti-hyperacidity drugs... then added anti-haemorrhagics when i noticed he starts to have hematemesis and melena.... then pain reliever when he started to complain pain. i have seen everything and i have observed that he hides his pain to us.

this october he expressed the most excrutiating pain, we, his family also shared emotional pain but we were trying to be strong for him. i myself being his private duty nurse controlled every emotion.. controlled every tears that may fall. at one point i got tired for being up so early to give him pain relievers... he got worst as day passes by.. his body wont listen to any amount of pain relievers.... at one point i doubted my skills, to the point that i consulted books and a resident doctors from where i work all of them just says i did the right thing but i cant control cancer..

October 24 i dont know why i told everyone in the family especially my cousins sheryl and my aunt zita that uncle romy has been looking for them.... he requested it weeks ago but why i just spilled out that very day. October 25 my aunt confirmed that they will arrive the following day to surprise him.. almost everybody came.. he cried because he is happy.. i told myself that i cannot give anything to lessen the pain except for my free service, supplies and that surprise. we ate at his house. we had a feast but he didnt eat again... but he is happy after all.

i included him in my daily prayers in and out of the church... i asked an extension so that i could still see him on my birthday, on his grandsons' birthday, on my father's birthday, christmas, new year and maybe on his birthday on january.... but God only permitted just until my birthday. i still remember his last day on earth. October 28 --my dad woke me early morning informing me that my uncle's pain is already untolerable. i gave him pain reliever, diuretics to relieve edema of his feet. i even asked him to eat even instant noodles. at the middle of my shift my cousin called and she is asking me to prescribe pain medications because we will make the pain reliever every six hours but she hid that somethings wrong already.

i arrived 11:45pm from my work, i didnt know why i just stayed at the back of our station doing nothing for so long... to the point that all from pm shift has drifted away to get home. it rained hard but i was never on straight duty. i asked my father to pick me up since the street has flooded.. he bursts that we should go straight at my uncle's home.. when me and my father arrived at their house we heard him calling his wife "buksan mo yung pinto nandyan na sila" auntie opened the door and i was surprised with what i see. observed that he is gasping pain and he is staring blankly. i aspirated the pain reliever though i hesitated. i asked uncle what hurts him... usually he will point his stomach... but he told us he is having chest pains. i asked him if he is having dyspnea... as he appears to be dyspneic... so i asked my dad to go home and get the bp apparatus... i cheked his blood pressure and to my surprise i cant hear any korotkoff sound. i checked again by palpation it is palpatory 50 i gathered all the pillows.. i searched for an intubation set, ambubag, oxygen which are all present only in the hospital... i told my cousin to call her brother because we will rush their father to the hospital... while his daughter is away, i told him to wait for a while.... but when i saw him he smiled back a little... i had the line fast dripped then after... he stopped staring at me.... stopped responding to my questions.... his heart stopped and his breathing stopped.... i started to cry heavily. i saw him die. me and my dad saw him die. i cried until early morning... i am comforting myself that he is not in pain anymore and he is already in heaven but still i cried... and i do found out that this song comforted me all the while....

Just what is it in me?
sometimes I just don't know
what keeps me in your love
why you never let me go
And though you're in me now
I fall and hurt you still
My Lord please show me how
to know just how you feel
You have forgiven me
too many times it seems
I feel I'm not what you might call
a worthy Christian after all
And though I love you so temptations
finds it's way to me

Teach me to trust in You
with all of my heart
to lean not on my own understanding
coz' I just forget
You won't give me what we can't bear
Take me out of the dark My Lord
I don't want to be there,ooh,hah

You never left my side
You gave Your hand to me
to hold You,oh Jesus
I'm no longer in the cold
And yet I leave You there
when I feel satisfied
I'd like to thank You everyday
not only when I feel that way
I've never known a man
who'd give His life for sinners like me
And yet because He loves us so
He promised us eternity
And we can have His promise
and be His if have faith and
just believe..

Teach us to trust in You
with all our heart
to lean not on our own understanding
cause we just forget
You won't give us what we can't bear
Take us out of the dark our Lord
We don't want to be there
Yeah, My Lord

Teach me to trust in You
with all of my heart
to lean not on my own understanding
'cause I just forget
You might give me what I can't bear
Take me out of the dark My Lord
I we don't want to be alone
You take me out of the dark,My lord
i don't want to be there,
ooh,ooh...hah...

i dont know if i am his favorite niece... but i am so thankful that he listens to me. i am so thankful that i am the last person he saw when he passed away....

i miss him... i miss the most special, the most precious patient.... goodbye for now